7

I am terrible at the art of dealing with conflict.

There is nothing more intense and awkward, knowing that unhappy vibes are directed towards me.

Seriously. 

Because I work at Starbucks, and because I'm apparently on this Earth to please every single soul; which I should, within reason, this makes my job a little, rough.

This is because today, a lady came in and ordered a iced Venti 5 Splenda Shaken Passion Tea Lemonade. 

Before I go further, let me explain that the drink itself is pretty sweet without additional sweeteners; mind you putting an additional 5 packets of genetically modified 'sweetener'.

So I made the drink to the best of my ability counting out 4 instead of 5 Splendas and delivered it on the hand off bar.

I could see the lady sitting on the leather chairs next to the condiment bar and decided to physically deliver it to her; most likely done out of kindness and charity on my part.

"Here you go m'mam, you're iced Venti 4 Splenda Shaken Passion Tea Lemonade!"

"Wait...did you say 4 Splenda?"

"Um... yeah. Was that not right?"

"Goddamnitno! I asked for 5 Splendas!"

-mind you, she's sitting RIGHT next to the condiment bar, where, she could rip open a packet of Splenda and to her pleasure, add that ONE packet of sweetener, but that would be too much.

"Um... would you like me to remake it for you? then?"

"Um, yeah!"

I'm not passing judgement, but good Lord. She was a foot away from the condiment bar. 

Really? 

So I kept her drink, and later drank it knowing I had imperfectly created it, and remade her drink.

With one more Splenda. 

I backed down so quickly, maybe because of company standards ("The customer is always right, JUST SAY YES!!!")

but more realistically, because I can't take conflict.

I can only imagine how I would have reacted as a 'John Smith' or whoever it was that took away the Native American's natural America. I would have probably backed out as soon as they insisted in their indigenous language to reserve their land as THEIR land, probably not letting go of the situation until later that night, while writing a letter or journal entry describing my pain and personal disappointment.

But then again, I love the Native American culture. 

Thank God our forefathers had a backbone.

6

I don't move fast at all.

It takes me a while to gain confidence and fidelity, and I have no problem admitting that.

I understand that everyone moves at different paces, but with that being said, caution must be involved. 

I don't understand why my principles aren't so readily accepted in society and within my loved ones.

I'm looked at for being 'strong' and 'in control of myself'

but really, I just have respect from here to there.

I took that last line from Beth Ditto, who is very different, yet very similar to me.

We both respect. 

I think that's important.

I also think we should all consider each other and respect each other.

I think having fun is fun, but it's important to discern what fun is. 

If you're simply looking into the shallow definition of fun, it's easy to become wishy washy and this can lead to making out.

Making out leads to babies.

I don't know what I'm saying, but I don't know God loves you.

I also know I haven't been praying at all lately.

I also know that I'm not intoxicated. 

I also know that I am rambling.

Good night.

FROM HERE TO THERE

5

Today at work, a girl gave me her number.

Last night I participated in a tarot card reading.

Unfortuantley, I fell into the game and admitted to much to a stranger I knew for in total one hour.

She knows now my life, mostly. At least now.

And I'm 100% okay with that.

Working at Starbucks is good, except for the fact that people think we're super people; that we, ourselves would give up anything to give them pleasure.

Today a women and her daughter pointed at me and laughed.

I was wearing a black polo, and black Dickie shorts. I have no idea what the Hell they could be laughing about.

My hairy legs? My fatty calves? My cheap canvas shoes?

They ordered a tall Caramel Frappacinno and some other thing, of which I can't remember.

Why did they laugh at me? I don't know.

All I know is that I'm making money while they virtually paid to laugh at whatever they were laughing at; and I'm okay with that. I am okay with the fact that they spent some ten dollars on stupid bad-for-you drinks, and I stood there pushing a touch screen computer, sucking money from them.

I must be abnormal, something from a 1940's circus freak show.

Which one would I be? I think probably the Siamese twin. I would love to have another body next to me at all times.

Someone to constantly be with, or spoon in bed... even though I've never spooned, except once (to what I can remember).

Hopefully the Tarot was right and I'm on my way to balancing my life.

Hopefully you could have pieced together that last train of thought that maybe should have been placed textually in the beginning, connected with it's content.

Oh well.

A seed must fall to the ground to become a tree.

4

One of the biggest flaws in my personality is that I'm very submissive. I am much talk, but fail to walk.

I didn't need a tarot reading to tell me that, but  I did anyway.

I still feel in love, and not over it.

Yet, I need to stop this pointless purgatory phase I'm in and figure out what I'm about.

Let's talk.

3

I expect a lot out of people I don't know.

By saying I expect a lot, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that I create their morals and ideologies to fit my perception of their reasons for living.

When I met Corrine, I already had the trivia that she indeed was a mother. When I found out she had similar music tastes as me, I perceived her as being a new thing.

A revolutionary wife.

A revolutionary mother.

A revolutionary girl.

Not saying she isn't, but she is normal. Just how I am normal.

Too often I want to hype things up in my mind to create something real. I crave heartache.

I crave friction. 

I crave hurt.

That's it, that's all I want. 

I want beautiful relationships, and then I want them to die.

Not only to die, but to fall terribly. 

This is unrealistic, but sadly, very much how my mind works. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be content or settled. 

Maybe not content, because 'content' isn't necessarily a terrible thing.

But 'settled', that is something I can't deal with.

I am going to say it now, I want a life.

I WANT A LIFE.

I WANT A WIFE.

I WANT A JOB.

I WANT TO BE A FATHER.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE MY BEST FRIENDS RIGHT NOW BE IN MY WEDDING PARTY.

I want everything to work out fine.

And they will.

2

Today is June 5th, 2009. 

I am looking for Polaroid 600 Film. Unfortuntley, Polaroid is not making any more.

I don't understand. I like that type of picture. I like the fact that it's so easy, fast, and nice. 

I like the product it gives you. Although I am no photographer by any detail, I really appreciate Polaroids.

There's something about it being so fast, and so fuzzy and not perfect appeals to me.

There you go. I want the film to be more affordable and more available. I also want abortion to end. As well as world peace.

And I want everyone to get good sleep. As well as to go to bed happy, safe, and content.

But, like poverty, war, and famine, I must suffer too.

It is good to suffer, and it's good to know what it's like to work for something.

1

Hello! I'm starting today.