21

Jack S.!

I just woke up, and I have to work in like 35 minutes, so excuse the wrong grammer/spelling/general.

My dream included lots of things but also included you. I was at a retreat and I was with CCM. It just so happened that some girl I knew from high school was having a birthday party, and so I felt like I should go. She never really had any friends. She lived with her mom, and they were poor. No one else showed up, really. God this is sounding like a country song.

Anyways, I Was walking back to somewhere, I don't know, and i saw you walking from the church. I was like, "Yeah! Jack!". In one split second, I ran into a car door, which I was then scared/surprised to see you inside the car, laughing/smiling with that same expression you had when I took your picture at Audrey's house when you tried to hug me.

Instead of being normal, we both sort of acted like we were taking off our tank tops...yes. Tank tops. And we started doing some sort of wave. Then I pushed up against the car door, and you allowed me. Then I proceeded to swim sideways on the ground, but like fake, I'll try to muster a Youtube video, or I'll show you when I see you next.

Anyways, you then jumped out of the car, punched me in my stomach, and I sack tapped you.

This is stupid. This is the second time you've invaded my dreams. Yet, I can't tell you how happy I was when you punched my stomach. Maybe I was glad it wasn't real pain? What is real pain?

Love you, and love you all.

When I saw this band live, I wanted to cry around the end, when the drums really start going. Something about New Jersey, 1990's, and tight jeans made me want to go out and make punk rock.

16

I am being comforted by the sounds of the television in the next room, where my mother is watching a program.

The reason this gives me peace is because I know that she is in there, while I am in here. It's that simple. 

She will not come into the living room (where I am) and ask me "What's going on?" or, "How was your day?", when she really might worry whether or not I'm alright, or depressed; more or less, 'out of it'.

I do love her.

What I don't really love is the amount of money I spent today. I don't like myself for that. 

I finally got around to paying for my broken computer screen today and although I had a lovely time driving around greater Tampa by myself, I dropped off $306.45 at the Screw Box, a local Mac repair shop. 

I'm glad it's working. But.

I'm also paying for:

-a child in Uganda, of which I have yet to begin contact with, that I might have to cancel, (as cold hearted as that sounds) $38/month

-tuition (roughly $1,000 dollars this semester, due to the miscommunication of my scholarship and my school)

- gas money ($60 a month, in a car with no air conditioning)

-clothes ($50 for this jacket, which at the actual store is $69, so that I can justify... file:///Users/matthewdodenhoff/Pictures/iPhoto%20Library/Originals/2009/Aug%2012,%202009/Picture%2021.png

I just don't know. I'm tired of this money thing. I don't think I can buy anything for a while, seeing as how my checking is around $100 right now, and my savings in half of that.

As Kimya Dawson once said...

'Everything is crumbling around me

Why does everything cost so much money

Could somebody please help out my family?'

That is how I feel today.

Aside from that, I had had a wonderful morning. I opened and I had a really good time. I really enjoy what I do there and although sometimes I deal with complete assholes, it's alright.

Honestly, it's ALRIGHT.

I'm doing good right now. Family vacation is around the corner, my body image/self-esteem is high, and like always, congestion is plaguing my nasal cavity. 

All in all, it's alright.

I also went to Urban Outfitters today. I don't see why it's so much money.

And I don't know why they have shirts that say 'socialist' on them. What's so bad about capitalism? Can somebody please tell me?

I guess I'm stupid, or maybe I don't listen to NPR as much as I used to.

Anyways, everytime I go into that store, it seems like I'm the only one. That's frustrating. Why? Because the focus is on you, and I get an overwhelming feeling that I need to buy something, just so the people who work there can keep their jobs. 

Totally irrational. 

But that's the point.

$16 for a shirt I can get at WalMart for $4, or even cheaper if I made it myself.

Maybe I should start making my own clothes. 

I don't see a problem in that. 

This song can easily make me cry, any day, anytime. 

14

Today should have been a Monday. I don't remember last Monday very well, but I believe since it was not worth remembering, that it was not terrible. 

Today wasn't 'terrible'. Actually it was. Terrible has two (probably more, but to my recollection, two) definitions.

1). Terrible- severe; pain, anguish

2.) Terrible- formidably great, extravagant cause.

So it was both examples. It was 'terrible', parse. It was.

I started out actually last night when I was denied this coming weekend's camping trip. And then, I woke up to about 5 missed calls and two voice mails, one of which concerning my mullet and me grooming it, all from my work.

I remember reading and writing down on my little work schedule paper that I worked at 3:30 PM today. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. I was entitled to the 7:00 AM shift. 

Anyways, I woke up naturally I think around 8 AM and came to and called the store, realizing I was nearly one hour late for work. I pulled on my pants and ran out that door, only to run through two red lights and go at least an average of 15 over the speed limit to get to work in about 20 minutes. I clocked in and felt utter embarrassment and terrible humility.

I believe this is a good time to inform you or bring it to my attention again that one of my most terrible (definition 1) phobias and fears is the scenario of being late for work.

Tardiness in all other cases (dinners with friends, social gatherings, church) I can get over and feel confident about myself.

Tardiness in (concerts, movies, and) work settings makes me sick. 

Today as I was driving I teared up and prayed to the God that I could make it through. Anyway, everything turned out fine and it turned out to be a really good day.

I even purchased Pride and Prejudice for THREE DOLLARS. Not just a lousy copy, but a small compact issue with a small biography of Jane Austen! Plus, I bought a copy of Ethan Frome and Summer by Edith Wharton.

EXCITED

plus, I picked up a Moleskine agenda planner (weekly) to hopefully prevent any more mishaps concerning my work.

From now on, I am a punctual, proficient, Proletariat. 

Wonderful.

7

I am terrible at the art of dealing with conflict.

There is nothing more intense and awkward, knowing that unhappy vibes are directed towards me.

Seriously. 

Because I work at Starbucks, and because I'm apparently on this Earth to please every single soul; which I should, within reason, this makes my job a little, rough.

This is because today, a lady came in and ordered a iced Venti 5 Splenda Shaken Passion Tea Lemonade. 

Before I go further, let me explain that the drink itself is pretty sweet without additional sweeteners; mind you putting an additional 5 packets of genetically modified 'sweetener'.

So I made the drink to the best of my ability counting out 4 instead of 5 Splendas and delivered it on the hand off bar.

I could see the lady sitting on the leather chairs next to the condiment bar and decided to physically deliver it to her; most likely done out of kindness and charity on my part.

"Here you go m'mam, you're iced Venti 4 Splenda Shaken Passion Tea Lemonade!"

"Wait...did you say 4 Splenda?"

"Um... yeah. Was that not right?"

"Goddamnitno! I asked for 5 Splendas!"

-mind you, she's sitting RIGHT next to the condiment bar, where, she could rip open a packet of Splenda and to her pleasure, add that ONE packet of sweetener, but that would be too much.

"Um... would you like me to remake it for you? then?"

"Um, yeah!"

I'm not passing judgement, but good Lord. She was a foot away from the condiment bar. 

Really? 

So I kept her drink, and later drank it knowing I had imperfectly created it, and remade her drink.

With one more Splenda. 

I backed down so quickly, maybe because of company standards ("The customer is always right, JUST SAY YES!!!")

but more realistically, because I can't take conflict.

I can only imagine how I would have reacted as a 'John Smith' or whoever it was that took away the Native American's natural America. I would have probably backed out as soon as they insisted in their indigenous language to reserve their land as THEIR land, probably not letting go of the situation until later that night, while writing a letter or journal entry describing my pain and personal disappointment.

But then again, I love the Native American culture. 

Thank God our forefathers had a backbone.

5

Today at work, a girl gave me her number.

Last night I participated in a tarot card reading.

Unfortuantley, I fell into the game and admitted to much to a stranger I knew for in total one hour.

She knows now my life, mostly. At least now.

And I'm 100% okay with that.

Working at Starbucks is good, except for the fact that people think we're super people; that we, ourselves would give up anything to give them pleasure.

Today a women and her daughter pointed at me and laughed.

I was wearing a black polo, and black Dickie shorts. I have no idea what the Hell they could be laughing about.

My hairy legs? My fatty calves? My cheap canvas shoes?

They ordered a tall Caramel Frappacinno and some other thing, of which I can't remember.

Why did they laugh at me? I don't know.

All I know is that I'm making money while they virtually paid to laugh at whatever they were laughing at; and I'm okay with that. I am okay with the fact that they spent some ten dollars on stupid bad-for-you drinks, and I stood there pushing a touch screen computer, sucking money from them.

I must be abnormal, something from a 1940's circus freak show.

Which one would I be? I think probably the Siamese twin. I would love to have another body next to me at all times.

Someone to constantly be with, or spoon in bed... even though I've never spooned, except once (to what I can remember).

Hopefully the Tarot was right and I'm on my way to balancing my life.

Hopefully you could have pieced together that last train of thought that maybe should have been placed textually in the beginning, connected with it's content.

Oh well.

A seed must fall to the ground to become a tree.