Today I did learn a new word. Cachinnate means to laugh.

There are so many new additions and subtractions to my routine. So many things have happened since a while ago, obviously.

I am glad to have a coherent direction (this has been achieved in many ways, like abandoning and being abandoned).

I do feel a sense of empowerment by quitting things. Sure, it does leave a mighty bitter feeling, but knowing that it will afford itself in the end is enough.

I have purposefully ended friendships for the sakes of my own. Delaying the end only makes it more difficult and creates more injustice toward everyone.

It doesn't feel good to feel unwelcome in your own town, church, or home. It is a great stress inside of your stomach to feel the dislike toward yourself from others. The scale should be labeled "pleasing others vs. pleasing yourself, ultimately". Sometimes you cannot just bite the bullet and wait until release is allowed. Sometimes you just need to be the darkness, as long as it ultimately leads to the overall livelihood and wellness of everyone involved. I do want the best for everyone, and I want what is best for me. It is my wish that there could be a more recognizable indicator of the ending of friendships, and there is, but sometimes one person refuses to acknowledge change in the bond, and thus comes tragedy. Mostly, tragedy for the voluntarily blind, but liberation for the one disposing it.

I really don't want to be incredibly morbid, and this is the first post I have completed in a very long time, so I will it on a mirthful manner. Joanna Newsom played in Tampa last night, and I was fortunate enough to have seen it. The show itself was truly a spectacle, Ms. Newsom playing alongside two violinists, a trombone, and two other very, talented men. And to add the créme de la créme, I was able to make acquaintance with Joanna, herself. Naturally I was bashful, but she was a wonderful woman who knew my heart as we muddled through conversation. It was as if I was spit-drunk and intoxicatedly stumbling through my harangue. She was beyond polite, and before I knew it, I was falling asleep on a pillow. Wonderful!

Topics to touch up on next post? 1. The rush of emotions leaving college has / 2. Becoming an adult.

Cool!

Also, I gave her a envelope at 2:04. Inside was a letter of appreciation outlining the amount of thanks I have for her works. Much more mature than a doll... dammit. Why did I not think of that.

21

Jack S.!

I just woke up, and I have to work in like 35 minutes, so excuse the wrong grammer/spelling/general.

My dream included lots of things but also included you. I was at a retreat and I was with CCM. It just so happened that some girl I knew from high school was having a birthday party, and so I felt like I should go. She never really had any friends. She lived with her mom, and they were poor. No one else showed up, really. God this is sounding like a country song.

Anyways, I Was walking back to somewhere, I don't know, and i saw you walking from the church. I was like, "Yeah! Jack!". In one split second, I ran into a car door, which I was then scared/surprised to see you inside the car, laughing/smiling with that same expression you had when I took your picture at Audrey's house when you tried to hug me.

Instead of being normal, we both sort of acted like we were taking off our tank tops...yes. Tank tops. And we started doing some sort of wave. Then I pushed up against the car door, and you allowed me. Then I proceeded to swim sideways on the ground, but like fake, I'll try to muster a Youtube video, or I'll show you when I see you next.

Anyways, you then jumped out of the car, punched me in my stomach, and I sack tapped you.

This is stupid. This is the second time you've invaded my dreams. Yet, I can't tell you how happy I was when you punched my stomach. Maybe I was glad it wasn't real pain? What is real pain?

Love you, and love you all.

When I saw this band live, I wanted to cry around the end, when the drums really start going. Something about New Jersey, 1990's, and tight jeans made me want to go out and make punk rock.

20

Today is December 24th, which is also the day before the much anticipated holiday, "Christmas".

I'm not excited so much for Christmas as I am for New Years.

A lot has happened this past 2009, and I'm ready to remember it, and to move on.

What has happened? Lots.

Let's start from the beginning.

January 2009-

-I befriended what would be a best friend.

-I pierced a body part.

-My Dad found out he had prostate cancer.

February 2009-

-I turned 19.

-I broke up with my girlfriend.

-I consequently lost my best friend.

-Lent 2009.

March 2009-

-I saw Paul Baribeau, and Good Luck, twice.

-I traveled from Orlando to Tampa all by myself, by way of train track.

-I camped.

April 2009-

-Panic attacks at UCF ceasing

-Spirituality increasing

-Home visits more frequent

May 2009-

-Started job at Starbucks

-Saw someone I've known for 19 years get married.

-Quality time at Apollo Beach.

June 2009-

-Practically matchmade two of my best friends.

-Practically acted like a douche about it.

-Substance, only.

July 2009-

-Car breaks down every week. I've had the car for years. First car.

-Lonely, nostalgic. Heavily.

-Go to Ginny Springs!

August 2009-

-Hello, North Carolina. I'm marrying you. Vacation.

-Goodbye Angelina, Jack, Audrey, Caleb, Clark.

-First depression/panic attack.

September 2009-

-School starts, work is beautiful.

-Read Precious.

-CCM Retreat, feeling airy.

October 2009-

-Everything costs so much.

-I miss everyone still.

-Halloween party.

November 2009-

-Start disposable camera journey (thx M.B.)

-Closure

-Thanksgiving, also, I work.

December 2009-

-Heavy need to leave elsewhere, like NYC, or Paris.

-Begin to teach thyself French.

-Last cigarette.

-New Years officially replaces Halloween as 'favorite secular holiday'.

That's pretty much it.

This year has been one of the hardest years of my life, and I guess that makes sense.

Although now I am slightly nauseous, and still ill from the flu, I feel like this was completely worth it.

Every phone call, every relationship, every bad word, every cigarette.

Totally worth it.

2009, you've been truly a blessing in disguise. I would have never thought I would be so upset to see you go, but, I know that you were indeed worth it.

2010, you better have something crazy.

19

I believe I had a meeting with death tonight.

I am in no way good with Him, at all. Lucy, my pet, was sleeping on her bed and she didn't wake when I came in the door today. She's getting old.

We give her pills to soothe her arthritic hips, also I assume include some sort of calmer.

Moving on, I realized that things do end, and people (and things) die.

What a terrible thing to acknowledge, yes? Someone should have given me a lecture, or a children's book explaining death, in a comforting and quick way.

I could only imagine if someone I knew, whom I was close to, died.

To date, the only people in my circles who have passed include:

-Great-Grandma Alpen

-Great-Grandpa Spencer

-Great-Grandma Spencer

-'Aunt' Thelma

-My cousin Michael

-Grandpa Dodenhoff

-my first dog, Samantha

Of this list, I was not of age to fully realize and accept the definition of death.

I remember my mother and dad crying hysterically when my cousin, Michael died, but that's it, really.

With this said, I have no idea how I am to carry on as a reasonable human being, with the thought of death fears me.

Not my personal death (at that time, I will not be aware of the earth, but rather the other world).

I can't deal with death with those around me.

One of my best friends lost his dad years ago, but reluctantly, regained him by some freak miracle. A 'near-death' experience.

But, it was like this...

LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELI

FELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFE

LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELI

FELIFELIFELIFELIFELI

deathdeathdeathdeathdea

LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFE (ect.)

Completely surreal, and miraculous, really. I give both of them, and their families major thoughts.

I have no idea how much of a rollercoaster that would have been.

Speaking of death, and my original thought, I don't know what I'm going to do with my dog.

I think I'm going to start walking her everyday, and possibly sleeping on the floor with her.

Of course, when it happens, which it will, I will carry on.

It kind of sucks being human, and having to realize, devastate, move on, carry on.

Why can't we be animals, who, move on blindly without thinking of the days when you with with them.

Of when you laughed with them.

Ect.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone(s).

And to the families of 9/11.

And to the families of all wars.

And to mothers who see their children go before them.

And everyone who is suffering.

Amen.

18

God bless you Mary Travers.

Let me just say the impact you have had on me.

Going back to my first memories, I can remember my mom singing to me songs like, "If I Had a Hammer", "Puff the Magic Dragon", and "Blowin' in the Wind".

For that reason, I connect those memories with your band, Peter, Paul, and Mary.

In short, every memory I have with you is pleasant to say the least.

On another hand, music is the power behind good. You can scream about love, peace, and freedom and it changes people. It has the power to heal hearts, to empower minds, and to put forth action.

And you were part of that movement.

On two points I would like to thank you for what you did.

love

9/16/09

17

I'm just so glad that the View is back on TV.

With the combination of afternoon school, a membership to the YMCA, and this, it couldn't get any better.

Well, of course it could. I need to spend less money. 

I'm not liking money right now, and I don't think that particular idea is new.

On a more disgusting, unhygienic note, I washed my hair last night.

I used to fear shampoos and conditioners, mostly shampoos. I did not like the feeling and overall appearance washing hair gives. It's big, it's poofy, it's nasty.

I managed to wash it, and it not explode. I was grateful.

Also, it's a lot less nasty.

In addition to adding something to my hygiene, I also met up with someone from my past. THIS PERSON IS SHELLY HUNSUCKER. SHE MADE ME LIKE READING AGAIN. IN MY SENIOR YEAR, I TOOK A CONTEMPORARY LIT CLASS IN WHICH SHE FORCED ME TO READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE BY MARGARET ATWOOD.

THIS IS A FASCINATING BOOK AND I RECOMMEND ANYONE READING IT. 

ANYWAYS, I CAME TO HER WITH EVERYTHING AND SHE DID A GOOD JOB CLEARING THINGS UP.

SHOUT OUT TO S. HUNSUCKER. HOW YOU DOIN'? ***

I am really glad that I was able to talk to her about my future, and she gave me constructive criticism.

This post is terribly topic-less.

Ugh. I feel like I am posting an extended update on Twitter.

I am a teenage girl.

On that note, here I am, as a teenager.

And on that note, I'm making new music. 

Less angst, more talent.

There it about 12 new ones up in this head of mine.

HOLD YOUR HORSES

love