19

I believe I had a meeting with death tonight.

I am in no way good with Him, at all. Lucy, my pet, was sleeping on her bed and she didn't wake when I came in the door today. She's getting old.

We give her pills to soothe her arthritic hips, also I assume include some sort of calmer.

Moving on, I realized that things do end, and people (and things) die.

What a terrible thing to acknowledge, yes? Someone should have given me a lecture, or a children's book explaining death, in a comforting and quick way.

I could only imagine if someone I knew, whom I was close to, died.

To date, the only people in my circles who have passed include:

-Great-Grandma Alpen

-Great-Grandpa Spencer

-Great-Grandma Spencer

-'Aunt' Thelma

-My cousin Michael

-Grandpa Dodenhoff

-my first dog, Samantha

Of this list, I was not of age to fully realize and accept the definition of death.

I remember my mother and dad crying hysterically when my cousin, Michael died, but that's it, really.

With this said, I have no idea how I am to carry on as a reasonable human being, with the thought of death fears me.

Not my personal death (at that time, I will not be aware of the earth, but rather the other world).

I can't deal with death with those around me.

One of my best friends lost his dad years ago, but reluctantly, regained him by some freak miracle. A 'near-death' experience.

But, it was like this...

LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELI

FELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFE

LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELI

FELIFELIFELIFELIFELI

deathdeathdeathdeathdea

LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFE (ect.)

Completely surreal, and miraculous, really. I give both of them, and their families major thoughts.

I have no idea how much of a rollercoaster that would have been.

Speaking of death, and my original thought, I don't know what I'm going to do with my dog.

I think I'm going to start walking her everyday, and possibly sleeping on the floor with her.

Of course, when it happens, which it will, I will carry on.

It kind of sucks being human, and having to realize, devastate, move on, carry on.

Why can't we be animals, who, move on blindly without thinking of the days when you with with them.

Of when you laughed with them.

Ect.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone(s).

And to the families of 9/11.

And to the families of all wars.

And to mothers who see their children go before them.

And everyone who is suffering.

Amen.

18

God bless you Mary Travers.

Let me just say the impact you have had on me.

Going back to my first memories, I can remember my mom singing to me songs like, "If I Had a Hammer", "Puff the Magic Dragon", and "Blowin' in the Wind".

For that reason, I connect those memories with your band, Peter, Paul, and Mary.

In short, every memory I have with you is pleasant to say the least.

On another hand, music is the power behind good. You can scream about love, peace, and freedom and it changes people. It has the power to heal hearts, to empower minds, and to put forth action.

And you were part of that movement.

On two points I would like to thank you for what you did.

love

9/16/09

17

I'm just so glad that the View is back on TV.

With the combination of afternoon school, a membership to the YMCA, and this, it couldn't get any better.

Well, of course it could. I need to spend less money. 

I'm not liking money right now, and I don't think that particular idea is new.

On a more disgusting, unhygienic note, I washed my hair last night.

I used to fear shampoos and conditioners, mostly shampoos. I did not like the feeling and overall appearance washing hair gives. It's big, it's poofy, it's nasty.

I managed to wash it, and it not explode. I was grateful.

Also, it's a lot less nasty.

In addition to adding something to my hygiene, I also met up with someone from my past. THIS PERSON IS SHELLY HUNSUCKER. SHE MADE ME LIKE READING AGAIN. IN MY SENIOR YEAR, I TOOK A CONTEMPORARY LIT CLASS IN WHICH SHE FORCED ME TO READ THE HANDMAID'S TALE BY MARGARET ATWOOD.

THIS IS A FASCINATING BOOK AND I RECOMMEND ANYONE READING IT. 

ANYWAYS, I CAME TO HER WITH EVERYTHING AND SHE DID A GOOD JOB CLEARING THINGS UP.

SHOUT OUT TO S. HUNSUCKER. HOW YOU DOIN'? ***

I am really glad that I was able to talk to her about my future, and she gave me constructive criticism.

This post is terribly topic-less.

Ugh. I feel like I am posting an extended update on Twitter.

I am a teenage girl.

On that note, here I am, as a teenager.

And on that note, I'm making new music. 

Less angst, more talent.

There it about 12 new ones up in this head of mine.

HOLD YOUR HORSES

love

16

I am being comforted by the sounds of the television in the next room, where my mother is watching a program.

The reason this gives me peace is because I know that she is in there, while I am in here. It's that simple. 

She will not come into the living room (where I am) and ask me "What's going on?" or, "How was your day?", when she really might worry whether or not I'm alright, or depressed; more or less, 'out of it'.

I do love her.

What I don't really love is the amount of money I spent today. I don't like myself for that. 

I finally got around to paying for my broken computer screen today and although I had a lovely time driving around greater Tampa by myself, I dropped off $306.45 at the Screw Box, a local Mac repair shop. 

I'm glad it's working. But.

I'm also paying for:

-a child in Uganda, of which I have yet to begin contact with, that I might have to cancel, (as cold hearted as that sounds) $38/month

-tuition (roughly $1,000 dollars this semester, due to the miscommunication of my scholarship and my school)

- gas money ($60 a month, in a car with no air conditioning)

-clothes ($50 for this jacket, which at the actual store is $69, so that I can justify... file:///Users/matthewdodenhoff/Pictures/iPhoto%20Library/Originals/2009/Aug%2012,%202009/Picture%2021.png

I just don't know. I'm tired of this money thing. I don't think I can buy anything for a while, seeing as how my checking is around $100 right now, and my savings in half of that.

As Kimya Dawson once said...

'Everything is crumbling around me

Why does everything cost so much money

Could somebody please help out my family?'

That is how I feel today.

Aside from that, I had had a wonderful morning. I opened and I had a really good time. I really enjoy what I do there and although sometimes I deal with complete assholes, it's alright.

Honestly, it's ALRIGHT.

I'm doing good right now. Family vacation is around the corner, my body image/self-esteem is high, and like always, congestion is plaguing my nasal cavity. 

All in all, it's alright.

I also went to Urban Outfitters today. I don't see why it's so much money.

And I don't know why they have shirts that say 'socialist' on them. What's so bad about capitalism? Can somebody please tell me?

I guess I'm stupid, or maybe I don't listen to NPR as much as I used to.

Anyways, everytime I go into that store, it seems like I'm the only one. That's frustrating. Why? Because the focus is on you, and I get an overwhelming feeling that I need to buy something, just so the people who work there can keep their jobs. 

Totally irrational. 

But that's the point.

$16 for a shirt I can get at WalMart for $4, or even cheaper if I made it myself.

Maybe I should start making my own clothes. 

I don't see a problem in that. 

This song can easily make me cry, any day, anytime. 

15

I mostly have no focus to write today. I did clean my room, so I believe that's worth explaining. 

I COMPLETELY cleaned out my closet. It is worth it. And my bookcase? Organized.

All that's left is my bed. Not really my bed, just the pile of things that I managed to put on my bed during the cleansing process.

Things like notebooks, picture frames, and pencils can be found there.

Also, my bed is not made, so that grosses me out a little.

My parents came home today and I swear I love them. I wanted them back bad this weekend. But they came back and it seemed like they were tired (which they were), thus, conversation was sparse.

I hope all is well.

Ipod Roulette fye

1.They are Night Zombies!!! They are Neighbors! They Have Come Back From The Dead!!! - Sufjan Stevens

-This song reminds me of the area of time when I first got into Sufjan, probably about three or four years ago. For some reason, I think of fish fries.

2.I Don't Blame You - Cat Power

-The first time I heard this song, I believe I was in my room in Orlando.

3.The Queen's Approach - The Decemberists

4.Tree Tops - Eisley

5.Man On Fire - Good Luck

-All this song reminds me of is:

|Cigarettes

|Whore-lando

|Driving

|Parking Garages

|Practically crying almost every night, not liking where I was.

6.Paper Planes - M.I.A.

-Shoot. I liked M.I.A. before Pineapple Express.

7.Moving On - Kimya Dawson

- I like the fact that Vanessa Carlton sings backup on this song.

8.Sailor Song - Regina Spektor

9. Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill

- This song reminds me of church for some reason, like summertime church, time.

10. Masochist - Ingrid Michealson

14

Today should have been a Monday. I don't remember last Monday very well, but I believe since it was not worth remembering, that it was not terrible. 

Today wasn't 'terrible'. Actually it was. Terrible has two (probably more, but to my recollection, two) definitions.

1). Terrible- severe; pain, anguish

2.) Terrible- formidably great, extravagant cause.

So it was both examples. It was 'terrible', parse. It was.

I started out actually last night when I was denied this coming weekend's camping trip. And then, I woke up to about 5 missed calls and two voice mails, one of which concerning my mullet and me grooming it, all from my work.

I remember reading and writing down on my little work schedule paper that I worked at 3:30 PM today. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. I was entitled to the 7:00 AM shift. 

Anyways, I woke up naturally I think around 8 AM and came to and called the store, realizing I was nearly one hour late for work. I pulled on my pants and ran out that door, only to run through two red lights and go at least an average of 15 over the speed limit to get to work in about 20 minutes. I clocked in and felt utter embarrassment and terrible humility.

I believe this is a good time to inform you or bring it to my attention again that one of my most terrible (definition 1) phobias and fears is the scenario of being late for work.

Tardiness in all other cases (dinners with friends, social gatherings, church) I can get over and feel confident about myself.

Tardiness in (concerts, movies, and) work settings makes me sick. 

Today as I was driving I teared up and prayed to the God that I could make it through. Anyway, everything turned out fine and it turned out to be a really good day.

I even purchased Pride and Prejudice for THREE DOLLARS. Not just a lousy copy, but a small compact issue with a small biography of Jane Austen! Plus, I bought a copy of Ethan Frome and Summer by Edith Wharton.

EXCITED

plus, I picked up a Moleskine agenda planner (weekly) to hopefully prevent any more mishaps concerning my work.

From now on, I am a punctual, proficient, Proletariat. 

Wonderful.